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First love and heartbreak
I read the following article by Julia Sagaral. I wish to share it with our members here. If this gives you an insight in to love and heartbreak please write your comments:
During university I watched my friends go through the turbulence of romantic relationships. Disheartened by the emotional wreckage relationships can produce, I had a negative attitude towards relationships. University was already a stressful experience and relationship problems only seemed to contribute to the stress. I often wondered if it was possible to get through life without being heartbroken. But as fate would dictate, I would not be exempt from my share of heartache.
Opposites Attract
At the beginning of university, I became romantically involved with a guy named Ryan, which grew into an intense three year relationship. I had known Ryan for quite a while, in fact, since the beginning of high school. From my first encounter with him, I found his eccentricity and charismatic flare to be attractive. Ryan was the type to defy conformity and social approval. I admired his courage perhaps because I lacked courage myself. But Ryan was someone I never imagined dating. Our personalities were so different: we were completely opposite, even incompatible. He had this big personality that loved to challenge everything, even stir up trouble. Although Ryan would irritate and make me angry, he had a charm to his rebelliousness. They say anger and passion are two closely related emotions. I was charmed by the way he flirtatiously irritated me.
What do you do when innocent infatuation turns into serious attraction?
There came a point when I realized that my innocent infatuation with Ryan was becoming serious. As I spent more time with him our friendship started developing. I began to see a different side of Ryan: I saw his passionate and sensitive side. I saw a man with a loving and tender heart that was troubled with anger, hurt and bitterness. My heart broke to learn about the painful things he experienced in childhood. I wanted to love and accept him. I was excited to learn that we shared similar struggles in life. Now finding a mutual connection, we started talking regularly on the phone, email and MSN. This is when things became complicated.
You Have A Girlfriend!?
The first time Ryan broke my heart is when I found that he had a girlfriend. This came as an absolute shock. He never mentioned her before. From the amount of time we spent with each other in person or on the phone, I was sure that something special was developing between us. But from his perspective, spending time with me didn't mean he was romantically interested in me. But to me, the time I spent with Ryan built up an emotional attachment. It was devastating to learn that my feelings for him were not reciprocated.
A Second Chance
With my emotions torn and self-esteem trampled, I decided to take a step back from Ryan. We lost contact for a year. Then one Christmas he called me. We had a great talk and I was reminded of all the good things I saw in his character and personality.
I decided to give him a second chance as a friend. This was the beginning of the renewal of our friendship. By this time, Ryan and his previous girlfriend had broken up. He told me that he initiated the break up. Since Ryan and I always had a strong emotional and spiritual connection, it didn't take much for me to fall for Ryan again. This second time around as our friendship grew, Ryan and I bonded emotionally. He became a close friend, and then a best friend. What began as an unattainable relationship, developed into a strong friendship that was based on respect, admiration and mutual need for each other's emotional solace.
On An Emotional High
"Passion doesn't look beyond the moment of its existence"
- Christian Nevell Bovee
Ryan was the first man I've shared a strong emotional connection to. It was a sweet addiction. The pleasure was almost worth the risk of pain. Ryan and I were eager to pour out our hearts to each other. It was exciting to have Ryan as my boyfriend. Our emotional intimacy developed quickly because of the frequency of our emails and phone calls. We easily emailed each other eight times a day. You could say we were slightly obsessed. The obsessive and compulsive nature of our relationship was alarming to us. It felt so out of control. But this "out of control" feeling made it difficult to figure out my true feelings for him.
Why do we get involved in relationships we know are wrong from the beginning?
I've often asked myself this question. On an emotional level, my relationship with Ryan progressed, but on a social level our relationship did not receive support from our family and friends. Also, I still felt unsettled about certain things in his personality and character. There were some things about Ryan that fundamentally scared me. Sometimes I didn't feel safe around him. He could be volatile in his actions, ideas and reactions. Unwilling to face this problem, I just rationalized my fears about Ryan. I decided to "put up with it."
I assured myself that one day he would change; I thought maybe I would help him change. I hoped that perhaps in a few years things would be different, circumstances would improve. I also tried to believe that some of his aggressive behavior did not reflect the person he was inside. He was not a gentlemanly type of guy. Ryan related to people with brutal honesty and sometimes with little sensitivity for courtesy. But at the same time I appreciated his bluntness because few people I meet were so raw and real.
But now I see that Ryan didn't know how to treat me with gentleness. As a result, there were many times Ryan hurt me emotionally. But immature in conflict resolution, I hid my hurt from him. My hidden hurt caused me to become bitter at Ryan. There were days when I dwelt on the ways he frustrated me. Sometimes it would be an insensitive comment he made or the way he behaved. I would rehash the situation over and over again to see if I had forgotten any minor detail - a gesture, a word, or even a facial expression - that missed my rigorous analysis.
But I delighted in the good things in our relationship, especially the romantic moments. I thought of times when we planned our future together, took long walks, read poetry together and the times he sang to me. I delighted in the lessons we learned and difficult times we endured together and how our relationship deepened. But these intense yet seemingly fleeting moments of happiness were overcome by deeper problems in our relationship.
"For one pleasure a thousand pains" - French Proverb
The hardest part of our relationship was hiding it from my parents. Ryan could not understand my need to do this. His inability to understand my sensitive relationship with my parents heightened my anxiety. I cannot express the depth of pain I felt over this issue.
I was torn. I was both afraid of losing him and of losing my parent's trust and support. But at the same time, the illicit nature of our relationship made me feel more attracted to Ryan. But at times the tension was too great to handle. We came to a breaking point because we knew something was wrong with our relationship but we couldn't give it up. Then one day Ryan suggested that we stop talking to each other. We agreed that we needed a break from each other. For one month we took a step back from our relationship - we cut off all communication for the purpose of gaining objectivity. I don't know what we accomplished by putting ourselves through the self-inflicted torture of self-denial because after a month of self-denial, we got back together.
Looking back, our attempt to control our emotions through self-denial showed that neither of us had the courage to say "no" to each other. But foolishly, we continued to follow this pattern of breaking up just to get back together again. This pattern continued three more times over the next three years.
Breaking A Three-Year Relationship
"Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, Pain of love lasts a lifetime" - Jean Pierre Claris De Florian
After three long years of trying to resolve our problems, I realized that Ryan was not the right man for me. I initiated our final break up.
Breaking up with Ryan was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It is difficult to say goodbye to three years of built up dreams, memories, emotional investment and time spent caring for another person. The decision to break up with Ryan was something I avoided but I knew it had to happen. Asking myself these tough questions helped clear my thinking so I could make that decision to break-up:
What kind of person was Ryan under pressure? If I continued in this relationship for another three years would I regret it? Did this relationship have a realistic future?
Am I truly in love with him? Do I fully accept him?
The last question, "Do I fully accept him?" was the most difficult to answer. To love someone unconditionally means being willing to accept the whole person. As I asked myself, I was not sure if I unconditionally accepted Ryan. This question helped me realize that my love for Ryan was conditional. Perhaps my inability to love him unconditionally is a weakness on my part. Perhaps it means we were not meant to be.
This was a painful realization for me.
I realized he was not the type of man I would want to commit myself to. There were so many areas that we could not agree on, important areas a couple should have worked through especially after three years. We always had a sense of conflict and tension and it was compounded by my parents continual disapproval of him. I didn't have the liberty of spending time with him without upsetting my parents. But it was important for me to come to these conclusions.Once I came to that conclusion and admitted it to myself I felt released.
My decision to end our relationship came as a total shock to him. He was speechless, confused and angry. Ryan felt that I betrayed him. I don't think I will ever comprehend the extent of Ryan's pain and anger.
Moving On...
The thought of breaking up with Ryan was unimaginable. In many ways, breaking up was a complete alteration of life. At first, the hardest part was not having him in my daily life. Ryan was an integral part of my life - he was one of my best friends. I missed our phone calls, our emails - I missed thinking about him. But ending the relationship has proven to be one of the best decisions I've ever made. I've personally grown in ways that only could have happened apart from being in a relationship. Paradoxically, enduring heartbreak has helped me put aside my cynicism of relationships. I've learned to be less fearful of pain in relationships because I've gained a new self-respect and a determination to live with hope.
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