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When does flirting become cheating?
A wink, a stare or a gentle touch can all be innocent signs of flirtation, but how far does the situation have to go before things aren't so innocent anymore? When does flirting become cheating?
"The intent of the flirtation is to get another person's attention for romantic reasons, and if you're committed, that's a problem," declares Donna L. Franklin, author of What's Love Got to Do With It? Understanding and Healing the Rift Between Black Men and Women.
"Black male and female relationships are in a crisis," says Franklin. "We have a higher divorce rate and a lower marriage rate, so our relationships are already in some level of jeopardy. You add the issue of flirtation into it and it just creates another problem for our relationships that weakens the dyadic union between two people."
Franklin says that flirting becomes cheating from the moment the first signal is sent from someone who is already in a committed relationship.
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"Even if the person doesn't respond, the fact that you send it is an intent on your part to betray the relationship of the person you are with. Whether every signal is returned is a non-issue. You have violated the commitment by seeking something elsewhere."
When it comes to flirting, Franklin believes that mental or emotional intimacy with someone other than a person's mate can be extremely hazardous to a couple.
"Mind games are always more dangerous," she explains. "From what we know now about emotional versus physical intimacy, emotional intimacy is much more threatening to committed relationships than physical intimacy."
Franklin adds, "The emotion is powerful and we tend to overlook it and technically define infidelity as the physical act when in fact it's emotional as well."
However, William July II, author of Brothers, Lust and Love and Understanding the Tin Man, contends flirting can be harmless and doesn't necessarily have to lead to cheating.
"It gives you a little rush when somebody flirts with you," notes July. "You kind of feel like, `Yeah, I still got it!'"
July maintains that flirting is a conscious decision that people can control but tend to act on despite the consequences.
"I believe that people only think that flirting is a part of their personality. It is a choice that you make. It's an intentional energy. You're choosing to send out certain vibes."
Flirting has not one but two intentions, asserts July.
"People flirt because they're either doing it to boost their ego so that they can make themselves feel good by seeing how someone reacts, or if they're not playing head games, then they're looking for a sexual opportunity."
He concludes, "Flirting becomes cheating when what you are doing is something that your partner would disapprove of and you've crossed that line from playfulness into lust."
Dr. Ellen Grant Bishop, author of Managing in Black and White, contends that flirting becomes cheating when it crosses into boundaries that cause physical arousal.
"Your physiology starts to change," says Dr. Grant Bishop, CEO of Niagara Falls Memorial Medical Center in Niagara Falls, NY. "Examples are rapid heartbeat, pulse increase and `sweaty palms.'"
In addition to the physical aspects of flirting, Dr. Grant Bishop agrees with Franklin that in many cases the emotional intimacy that evolves from flirting with an outside person can cause major problems for a committed relationship.
"Emotional cheating can be very subjective," states Dr. Grant Bishop. "I think it's up to the individual to define if he or she feels he or she is actually being an `emotional cheater.'"
She continues, "Flirting can cross the line when it becomes a challenge and your thoughts become increasingly `invaded' by the other person you flirt with."
Though Dr. Sharon Mitchell, assistant director of the Center for Counseling and Development at the University of Delaware, agrees flirting can be fun because the person doing the flirting receives positive attention from it, she also cites the pitfalls of a flirtation:
"You're doing it to let someone know that you're interested, and if they respond, you get something out of that," explains Dr. Mitchell.
"It's a very selfish and self-motivated act. It becomes cheating when you imply that you are unattached and available when you are not."
According to Dr. Mitchell, who authored the books Nothing But the Rent and Sheer Necessity, what is considered to be cheating depends on what is and isn't acceptable between the people who are actually involved in the relationship.
"You could be flirting and the other person could be flirting back, but that doesn't determine cheating," says Dr. Mitchell. "Cheating has to do with two people who are committed to something. The third person is just out there trying to have a good time. It's more about what the two people in a. relationship have said is `OK behavior.'"
To prevent flirting from becoming cheating, couples need to communicate.
"I think couples need to have proactive conversation and proscriptive conversation instead of waiting until after the fact," states Carl Bell, a clinical professor of psychiatry and public health at the University of Illinois and the president and CEO of the Chicago-based Community Mental Health Council.
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