Place for a bit of Humour!

[misstique]

~ Just a few jokes told to me ~

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their life interesting, well for example, the other day I went to town and went to shop in the city, I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a Cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said “Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?” He ignored me and continued writing the ticket,
I called him a fat @#$%!.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for bald tires. So I called him a piece of stinking @#$%!. He finished writing the second ticket and put it under the wiper blade with the first. He then started writing out a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes, The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally I didn’t really give a stick - as my bus soon arrived!!!
I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired…….. its important at my age....

[misstique]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few moments he turned to the priest and asked “Say father, what causes arthritis?” The priest replied, “My son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man and sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of bathing”

The drunk muttered in response “Well I’ll be damned” then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized “I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong, how long have you had arthritis?” The drunk answered “I don’t have it father, I was just reading here that the Pope does!”

[misstique]

Things that take years to learn …

• * Never ever under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the SAME night.
  
  * If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved its full potential, that one word would be ‘Meetings’
  
  * There is a VERY fine line between ‘Hobby’ and ‘Mental illness’
  
  * Never lick a steak knife.
  
  * The most destructive force in the universe is ‘Gossip’
  
  * Never be afraid to try something new. Remember the Ark was built by a lone amateur and a large group of professionals built the Titanic...
  
  * Men are like fine wines, they start out as grapes and its up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[misstique]

• * If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
  
  * Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  
  * Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  
  * If you must choose between two evils,
  pick the one you've never tried before.
  
  *My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  
  *Not one shred of evidence supports
  the notion that life is meant to be taken seriously.
  
  *Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
  any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

[misstique]

• 
  * It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  
  * For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  
  * If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  
  * Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
  
  * A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  
  * Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
  
  * Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

[misstique]

• * No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  
  * A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  
  * Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  
  * Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  
  * Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

[misstique]

• * There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  
  * By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  
  * Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  
  * Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
  
  * Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

[misstique]

Some good old Irish Humour




OLE PADDY MURPHY ....

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight." :oops:

[misstique]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A policeman pulls him over.

"So," says the policeman to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the policeman, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the policeman, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!" :shock:

[misstique]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

[misstique]

AND THE BEST FOR LAST...

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!!"